So here is a test. Can you tell what picture of me I had self-respect in? It should be pretty easy to figure out. I would love to hear what you think. Please drop a comment and let me know if it is the picture on the left or on the right.
Self-respect is pivotal in life. Without it, you will find yourself in any number of fucked up situations that could have been prevented by simply saying no. I had a few issues growing up. I was raised in a Mormon household. I was homeschooled from the first grade on and my social interaction was cub scouts, boy scouts and the church youth program. I am of the latch key generation and was around for the birth of home internet. So I opportunity to explore the world so to speak, but my base programming was Mormon.
Self-respect is pivotal in life. Without it, you will find yourself in any number of fucked up situations that could have been prevented by simply saying no. I had a few issues growing up. I was raised in a Mormon household. I was homeschooled from the first grade on and my social interaction was cub scouts, boy scouts and the church youth program. I am of the latch key generation and was around for the birth of home internet. So I opportunity to explore the world so to speak, but my base programming was Mormon.
I did move out at the ripe old age of 17 and headed for Idaho. I have a friend out there who served his mission in Connecticut, where I am from. He had a carpet business, so I took on a job as his assistant. He was the first person to tell me I was a free agent and could do what I wanted. This was an entirely new world and concept to me.
In Idaho, I rented my first room, smoked my first cigarette, had my first beer, saw my first boobs, lost my virginity and smoked weed for the first time. I also got my first tattoo and my first piercing. I was a disappointment to my parents, as they had envisioned a son who served a mission and was eventually married in the temple. Our plans never aligned. I was in and out of the church until I was 27.
At 27, I was in a failing marriage that had its own share of issues. We were living a double life of going to church on Sunday and exploring the "Hot wife" lifestyle on the side. I could not deal with the serving of two masters, the church and the lifestyle. Neither were in harmony with each other. So I finally exited the church scene for the last time. Ironically, Utah, the home of the religion I was born into, is the state I fully lost my religion in. There are a few things in life that I have always struggled with.
At 27, I was in a failing marriage that had its own share of issues. We were living a double life of going to church on Sunday and exploring the "Hot wife" lifestyle on the side. I could not deal with the serving of two masters, the church and the lifestyle. Neither were in harmony with each other. So I finally exited the church scene for the last time. Ironically, Utah, the home of the religion I was born into, is the state I fully lost my religion in. There are a few things in life that I have always struggled with.
1. Self-worth
2. Depression
3. Self-love
4. Anxiety
5. People pleasing
Depression ironically got so much better after I renounced the church. I should mention two things ultimately led to my departure from the church. My double life and the nail in the coffin was when the church took its stance on children living with family that have same-sex marriages or relations. I will share a quote from a 2015 article about and the link to it.
"Children living in a same-sex household may not be blessed as babies or baptized until they are 18, the Mormon Church declared in a new policy. Once they reach 18, children may disavow the practice of same-sex cohabitation or marriage and stop living within the household and request to join the church." Link to full article.
"Children living in a same-sex household may not be blessed as babies or baptized until they are 18, the Mormon Church declared in a new policy. Once they reach 18, children may disavow the practice of same-sex cohabitation or marriage and stop living within the household and request to join the church." Link to full article.
This struck a cord with me because I had been raised with conditional love. I was the most loved when I was going to church and living a Mormon life. To be told by the same religious institution that preached families can be together forever that if you want to part of our religion you had to renounce your family living a life opposite of the churches values was too fucking much for me.
My Church activity was ultimately a part of my people pleasing nature. I wanted that good relationship with my parents, and that was the only way I thought I would ever have it. I remember clearly my father was upset with me when I made that phone call to him. In fact, he hung up on me mid-conversation. I can say that my parents have finally given up on the dream of having a church going son, and they hardly ever mention it to me anymore.
Trying to live up to a standard and lifestyle that was not in harmony with my values caused me great depression. Feeling like I was failing trying to live the life I did not want without a doubt was harmful to my self-worth. I can say that there are good Mormons, and I have been lucky enough to have known and continue to know some of them. I have had fantastic conversations with members of that faith who were respectful, and we listened to each other.
This will not be a Mormon hate blog, but it will touch on my personal experiences. There are enough people on social media who make it a calling to continue to reveal things about the church or make fun of them. While I will sometimes find a good laugh, I do not need to follow in those footsteps. But I will share this, when I was a newly minted ex-Mormon I was in some Facebook groups. They used "TMB" to describe family members or people they knew. My ass wondered what it meant. I came up with "Totally Batshit Mormon" I was wrong it is "Totally Believing Mormon". I gave a few people in the group a good laugh when I finally asked for clarification.
You might be asking, "Bishop, why are you sharing all of this?". Well, the answer is simple. It is time I finally expressed this part of my story. My upbringing, education, and the issues I listed are all bread crumbs of the story that led to who I am today. Depression still has visitation rights to come see me. Anxiety, while it has been a lifelong companion, recognizing that I have it is relatively new information. Self-worth or constantly feeling like I am not good enough or constantly letting people down... Yeah, I still ride that bus. It is not my daily route anymore, but sometimes I take a detour. Self-love is stronger than ever, and as a byproduct, I have self-respect.
Rome was not built in a day. Changing my programming and issues will be a lifelong pursuit. But it is a pursuit that has value. I write these posts for me. I process so much of what has happened and what is happening in my life this way. It is my wish and my hope that others find hope, strength and maybe even some understanding along the way by reading them. Who I am today is a radically different person than I was 3, 5, 8 even 10 years ago.
Rome was not built in a day. Changing my programming and issues will be a lifelong pursuit. But it is a pursuit that has value. I write these posts for me. I process so much of what has happened and what is happening in my life this way. It is my wish and my hope that others find hope, strength and maybe even some understanding along the way by reading them. Who I am today is a radically different person than I was 3, 5, 8 even 10 years ago.
I can recall so many different times in my life that make me cringe. Things I said, things I did, people I associated with and times I accepted far less than I ever deserved. I hope you dear reader can say the same. To think we did it all right is a joke, and not a good one. I have said this on my podcast, in my blogs and in person so many times, but it still rings true. If you live a same shit different day life, you will get a same shit different day existence.
That photo was taken in 2017 or early 2018 I was in the middle of a divorce and trying to figure out how and why my 10-year marriage failed. I blamed myself, pretty sure she blamed me too. We each played our part in that failure. Multiple choices, multiple times of accepting those choices on both of our parts, and in reality the lack of change on either of our parts doomed us. I am proud to say I am not who I was then. But who I am today did not happen overnight or by accident. If you need something to change, you too will have to blaze new paths and play an active role in that process. You will fall down, you will be uncomfortable, and you will experience every kind of emotion we as humans can feel. You will even be angry with yourself at times. But the truth is all of that is part of growth.
That man in the picture made so many mistakes, and he did not always take accountability for them. He did live a same shit, different day life for far too many days. But he learned new tricks, made new friends, lost a lot of friends, and he grew. He cried, he thought of ending it all, and he drank a lot. He really suffered and got too truly experience being poor, being hungry and feeling alone. That same man is much less of an idiot today. If he can figure it out, you sure as hell can, because I know for a fact he is not a damn genius. Rock bottom is not comfortable and in truth rock bottom is often deeper than you think it is. If you want an in depth tour of rock bottom from a few different perspectives, I have you covered. The first season of my podcast (currently the only one, still working on that) talks all about these kinds of experiences. It also follows them up with the flip side of the story, what can happen if you put in the work. So if you want more, take Mental Flog for a spin. On that note, I am going to log off and enjoy my evening with my amazing partner that I spent years evolving to become the right person for them, just like they did for me.
Bishop :(:
Bishop :(:
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