The beard is coming back. It was good to see my face again. For those of you who missed that blog entry from my former site, let me drop you a link, so you can get up to speed. I have had some odd breakthroughs since the shaving of the beard. So random memories coming back to light or the random sudden understanding of past events. As an open-minded skeptic, I can not say that shaving off the beard caused this... But I also can't say that it did not play a role in it.
When we are kids, we often look up to adults or parents as all knowing beings. When it comes to parents, we often through our young eyes that they have everything figured out. Then as we get older we often think they know nothing, we call these the teen years. I at 36 years of age can confirm I do not know everything. I have a house, a job and a few cars but most importantly I have hand towels in my bathroom, so I think I qualify as an adult.
I have anxiety, I have probably always had anxiety. But I had a random revelation this past week. My mother most certainly has anxiety. She has a fear of flying and some story about being in a small aircraft that hit a tree and lost its wings. She also had a small freak out when she found out that I as a young teen rode a four-wheeler on a trip to Idaho. Because she knew a family that all perished riding single file one after the other, they all drove off the unseen drop off.
My mother might be the Queen of tall tales, but I think they are anxiety driven. It is highly possible half of what she told me as a child was her trying to control me with fear, the same fears that she lives with. That also makes me ponder do I naturally have anxiety or is this a learned condition? This is a real chicken or the egg question, either way my life is the punchline.
Jeff and I actually linked up on Saturday to start laying the groundwork for a season two of Mental Flog. Season two is the Season of the Fool. This is in reference to the tarot card. This is going to be a season of talking about love and relationships. I am excited to get to work on this project again. We have both had so much going on, but truthfully, we both personally get a lot out of recording these episodes.
I just finished watching Sex Education on Netflix. Watching these stories of exploration and learning made me recall my conversation with Jeff. We both were raised LDS. I feel like in my experience of being raised in the church and homeschooled, I was ill prepared for dating and relationships. My lens of the world was so small back then. He and I both kind of went for the first person to show romantic interest in us, and we lacked a lot of boundaries that led to some shitshow events.
Learning major things about relationships while married was less than ideal. I wonder for other people raised in the church if they experienced something similar? Was the experience Jeff and I had the minority, or are we the majority? Like my prior chicken or the egg statement, the end result is the same, our lives are the punchline.
I am grateful that I am who I am today. Even thought, I have a lot of work to do. I feel like it really is time to put my nose back to the grindstone and start learning some new tricks again. I have a well ignored shelf of books and personal exploration just waiting to happen. The show Sex Education did remind me how much I love talking to people. I feel like I still have a great deal of learning to do, and I still have hopes and dreams of leaving some small mark on this world besides the guy who went to work and came home.
Bishop :(:
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