" Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;"
ROBERT FROST
ROBERT FROST
This picture was taken in October 2017. My friend Kim and I took my vintage military truck for a fall drive to one of my favorite places in Utah County. We went to Provo Canyon. Life was changing for both of us drastically. I was officially separated from my wife of the past decade for just about two months. She was just starting to date the man who would become her husband. We were both starting new and life-changing journeys.
"Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,"
September 2018, I was still figuring out the single dad life. I was dating someone I met on tinder. She was an alcoholic in recovery, and I was a heavy drinker. Every other weekend when I did not have my daughter, there was an excellent chance I was getting sauced with a group of my friends. That was how I was trying to cope with life. I was on the struggle bus. Working an ok job that left me on a tight budget. Shopping for food was a big deal while trying to keep up with all the bills. I bet life would have been easier if I drank less back then.
January of 2019, I left my hourly job and took one of the scariest leaps. I went back to car sales in the very store I had quit back in 2011. I never thought I would go back to selling cars, but my old manager tracked me down and had confidence in me that I honestly did not. It was a sink or swim moment to the extreme. I would either jump in the deep end of the pool and make it, or this would totally ruin me.
"And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back."
January 2019, full of fresh heartbreak as the woman I was dating from tinder and I finally split up, I went on my first epic adventure. I sold a Ram truck with a small catch. I had to go pick it up in Eureka California and drive it back to Provo. Over 14 hours and 900 plus miles it was my first big solo road trip. I saw the coast again and breathed deeply that humid salty air that reminded me of home. I listened to all the best jams and drove home in my kilt. Not bad for someone with anxiety who never did much alone outside the house. That trip was a big growth point for me.
Even Adam came out to show us one of his favorite karaoke spots. We did not know it then, but this would be one of the last times we would get to hear him sing live. It was also another last. Have you ever wanted something so bad it felt like you almost willed it into existence? Like a ghost from the past she suddenly came back into my life after years of radio silence. This was my last situation ship. We spoke each others love language, and we connected on all the levels. I was in love but not allowed to say it, and she was still in love with her ex fiancé. This experience showed me that I could be happy. It taught me the importance of speaking up and being honest with myself as well as other about my feelings. It was a hard lesson that really opened up the next chapter of my life. 
April 2020, I became a bookworm again. I hear so many adults say they "Wished they had more time for reading" but just cant seem to find the time. This is a lie we tell our selves to keep living that same shit, different day life we get so comfortable in. We have time for what we deem to be important. I made the time, I quit dating, I quit fucking around, and I made myself a priority.
Mothers day 2020, I couldn't sleep. I took a early morning ride up Provo canyon to watch the sun rise. It was so cold, I didn't have gloves and I spent hours up the canyon on my motorcycle. I was all by myself, and I was content with that at this moment of time. I can still feel the wind on my hands to this day. It was absolutely worth it.
August 2020, I took Jackie on one of our biggest solo adventures yet. We went for a train ride on the Heber Creeper. There was this sweet older couple sitting across from us. They were grandparents out on a solo adventure. They loved Jackie so much that they bought our hot dogs and drinks. Jackie loved the train ride, just like I did as a kid.
August 2020, a guy's outing. A bunch of us dressed up in kilts and not much else for a photo shoot. It was the first time I played in the great salt lake. I was still on my no dating policy even though I had a few people interested, I just said no. After the photo shoot, everyone went to get grub together. I was in a weird mood and went home to be alone and process. I grew a lot being alone, allowing myself to feel and staying sober.
September 2020, I made a mistake. I downloaded FB dating and I met someone. I ignored everything I had learned. I was not open and honest with my feelings. I hushed my voice to keep peace. I swallowed my questions, and I let myself doubt my worth. This did not happen all at once, it happened over time.
February 2021, I went on a guys outing with Jeff, and we discovered Eureka, Utah for the first time. I had stopped writing. I stopped reading as much, and I let myself fall into the trap. Some people have a way of treating you just good enough until they feel secure that you are stuck. It wasn't until after Seppi and I bought a house in the summer of 2021 that trues colors came out to play.
I was living in a house I was paying for, full of someone else's mess. My ex-wife came to drop Jackie off to work and candidly said, "You look like shit, are you ok?" I was not ok. I took stock of the things I had asked her to do, read the five love languages book, so we can be a healthier, couple, you can drive my cars but don't smoke in them, please once a week clean the upstairs floor, so it is not s sea of dog hair. None of them had been done, but I was constantly asked for money for help with bills and food costs. All the while, the Amazon packages and DoorDash kept showing up.
I spent about two weeks contemplating all of this. The final straws were when she "Forgot" about helping with the already agreed on portion of the house payment she was supposed to make. The last one was when she proudly told her mom she had finished her Christmas shopping. Her mom asked her what she had gotten for me, her boyfriend... She had forgotten about me.
January 1st 2022, I came home and let her know it was over. She did not fight, she did not ask why, she only complained that I had given her 30 days to figure it out. At the end of the month, they left. Some of my friends came over and spent an entire day helping me clean up the mess that was left behind. Seppi took time off to help with dump runs.
February 1st 2022, I was able to wake up and make a meal in my kitchen without having to clean a week's worth of mess up. This simple meal of over easy eggs and toast gave me the most amazing feeling. I was free again, and I could live my life the way I wanted without walking through the mess of four other people and trying to find ways to cope in my own home.
I was finally learning how to Unfuck Myself. I went back to reading, writing, working out and healing. I made a promise to myself that I would not enter into a relationship for one year. I could go on dates, I could have some fun, but I would not jump into anything for one entire year. By February third, I had found my smile again.
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February 2022, Seppi quit his job he was done being on the road. I quit my job. I did the math and realized I was going to spend over a month a year commuting. When I was turned down for a raise after working at the same dealership for almost three years I quit. I was done killing myself to make money. It is better to be poor and have more time to live than have more money than time. I was done working weekends and taking my daughter to work. I was done not living the life I wanted. This presented many struggles but it was the best choice I ever made.
April 2022, Seppi and went walking. We found this cool rope swing off the side of a trail. Life was good. I was still reading writing and healing. I was still having my fun but living my best life. 
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June 2022, I went on a solo adventure to an airshow. Another first for me. I realized that I had anxiety as I almost stayed home. I was still learning new things about myself. I still am to this very day. I started a new job. In fact my dream job. I started working for an amazing family as a service writer. A job that I am still doing to this day.
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August 2022, reconnected with an old friend. We had a weightloss competition that I ended up winning. He payed for the tickets to The Dead South, this was his first concert and the first time I got to see the Tejon Street Corner Theives. I wasnt really dating at this time. It was time to reflect and fly solo for a bit.
Still August. Bucket list item got to see Rob Zombie live!!! Ironcically someone I did not know yet was attending the same concert. More on this soon.
Seppi and I went to FanX. This picture would end up on my Tinder profile when I finally made one again. Sometimes being a dork in a kilt pays off.
"I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
October 2019, we lost Fish. He was the first friend I made in Utah. We were co-workers that became fast friends. Fish and I had known each other since 2011. Fish and I lived fast and drank hard together. He died behind the wheel of what was my old Ford Taurus. The car I bought when I had to trade in my wrangler and military truck. I sold it to him, so he had transportation again and could go see his kids in Idaho. He died right down the road from my house in a single car accident. I struggled for a long time with the fact that I had sold him that car. His death, while not immediately, was a catalyst for change in my life.
March 2020, right before the world shut down. We kept hearing about this new thing called COVID-19, and I was worried it would cancel my plans of taking my first planned vacation. We went to Idaho Falls to see Dan give a Ted talk. It was a bucket list item for me. Ted talks played a huge part in my healing and no matter what I was experiencing I could always find one or two videos to help me out.
April 2020, I became a bookworm again. I hear so many adults say they "Wished they had more time for reading" but just cant seem to find the time. This is a lie we tell our selves to keep living that same shit, different day life we get so comfortable in. We have time for what we deem to be important. I made the time, I quit dating, I quit fucking around, and I made myself a priority.
Mothers day 2020, I couldn't sleep. I took a early morning ride up Provo canyon to watch the sun rise. It was so cold, I didn't have gloves and I spent hours up the canyon on my motorcycle. I was all by myself, and I was content with that at this moment of time. I can still feel the wind on my hands to this day. It was absolutely worth it.
August 2020, I took Jackie on one of our biggest solo adventures yet. We went for a train ride on the Heber Creeper. There was this sweet older couple sitting across from us. They were grandparents out on a solo adventure. They loved Jackie so much that they bought our hot dogs and drinks. Jackie loved the train ride, just like I did as a kid.
August 2020, a guy's outing. A bunch of us dressed up in kilts and not much else for a photo shoot. It was the first time I played in the great salt lake. I was still on my no dating policy even though I had a few people interested, I just said no. After the photo shoot, everyone went to get grub together. I was in a weird mood and went home to be alone and process. I grew a lot being alone, allowing myself to feel and staying sober.
September 2020, I made a mistake. I downloaded FB dating and I met someone. I ignored everything I had learned. I was not open and honest with my feelings. I hushed my voice to keep peace. I swallowed my questions, and I let myself doubt my worth. This did not happen all at once, it happened over time.
February 2021, I went on a guys outing with Jeff, and we discovered Eureka, Utah for the first time. I had stopped writing. I stopped reading as much, and I let myself fall into the trap. Some people have a way of treating you just good enough until they feel secure that you are stuck. It wasn't until after Seppi and I bought a house in the summer of 2021 that trues colors came out to play.
July 2021, Seppi and I became homeowners. It was a dream years in the making. It took hard work budgeting, and help from an amazing friend who was my realtor. I had asked her to wait to decorate until I had my weekend off, and we could decide where things went together. I came home to all of my wall hangings in Jackie's room and a house fully decorated with her and her family's possessions.
October 2021, the light had gone out in my eyes. I was working in Springville and living in SLC. I was spending an average of two hours a day in my car commuting and working open to close. My house was trashed and even if I spent my time off cleaning it was destroyed in a day or two. I was not respected, I was not valued, and I was hurting.
I was living in a house I was paying for, full of someone else's mess. My ex-wife came to drop Jackie off to work and candidly said, "You look like shit, are you ok?" I was not ok. I took stock of the things I had asked her to do, read the five love languages book, so we can be a healthier, couple, you can drive my cars but don't smoke in them, please once a week clean the upstairs floor, so it is not s sea of dog hair. None of them had been done, but I was constantly asked for money for help with bills and food costs. All the while, the Amazon packages and DoorDash kept showing up.
I spent about two weeks contemplating all of this. The final straws were when she "Forgot" about helping with the already agreed on portion of the house payment she was supposed to make. The last one was when she proudly told her mom she had finished her Christmas shopping. Her mom asked her what she had gotten for me, her boyfriend... She had forgotten about me.
January 1st 2022, I came home and let her know it was over. She did not fight, she did not ask why, she only complained that I had given her 30 days to figure it out. At the end of the month, they left. Some of my friends came over and spent an entire day helping me clean up the mess that was left behind. Seppi took time off to help with dump runs.
February 1st 2022, I was able to wake up and make a meal in my kitchen without having to clean a week's worth of mess up. This simple meal of over easy eggs and toast gave me the most amazing feeling. I was free again, and I could live my life the way I wanted without walking through the mess of four other people and trying to find ways to cope in my own home.
I was finally learning how to Unfuck Myself. I went back to reading, writing, working out and healing. I made a promise to myself that I would not enter into a relationship for one year. I could go on dates, I could have some fun, but I would not jump into anything for one entire year. By February third, I had found my smile again.
.jpg)
February 2022, Seppi quit his job he was done being on the road. I quit my job. I did the math and realized I was going to spend over a month a year commuting. When I was turned down for a raise after working at the same dealership for almost three years I quit. I was done killing myself to make money. It is better to be poor and have more time to live than have more money than time. I was done working weekends and taking my daughter to work. I was done not living the life I wanted. This presented many struggles but it was the best choice I ever made.
April 2022, the book collection grew. I was doing the work. I was working as a freight broker making almost the same money with a nomal 8 hour shift and I had weekends off. I spent time with Jackie. I spent time with myself. I went on dates and I had my fun. I was on Tinder again. I met one woman who I refused to let turn into a life lesson. She lacked an apreciation for my boundaries. I met somone who was in an incredibly emotional period of time in her life. I introduced her to how I liked to have fun. At one point she told me to block her number and let her go her way. I did not. She is to this day one of my best friends.
May 2022, one of my coworkers tried to set me up with her sister. She was much younger than me and had two kids. Things felt too familiar in the bad way. I had however become wise as fuck and I did not try to make a home out of that situation. She was still interested in someone else who did not feel the same way. No more situationships I had already played that game.
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June 2022, I went on a solo adventure to an airshow. Another first for me. I realized that I had anxiety as I almost stayed home. I was still learning new things about myself. I still am to this very day. I started a new job. In fact my dream job. I started working for an amazing family as a service writer. A job that I am still doing to this day.
.jpg)
August 2022, reconnected with an old friend. We had a weightloss competition that I ended up winning. He payed for the tickets to The Dead South, this was his first concert and the first time I got to see the Tejon Street Corner Theives. I wasnt really dating at this time. It was time to reflect and fly solo for a bit.
Still August. Bucket list item got to see Rob Zombie live!!! Ironcically someone I did not know yet was attending the same concert. More on this soon.
Now this picture is from January 2023. But A few months before this was taken Shelby and I matched on Tinder. We had an amazing coffee date! Shelby met Jackie and showed here move love nad respect than I could ever ask for. We spent most of our free time together. Oh and Shelby also enjoys good music this picture was taken at a Tejon Street Corner Thieves concert! I waited to the one year mark to make things official but I knew Shelby is the person for me.
So many things have happend since then. For the sake of time as it is now 11:23 on a school night I am going to wrap this up. Brian you asked me how to quit living the same shit different day life. It is a process. This entire journey has been that process from my sepreation and divorce starting back in August of 2017.
Sometimes we need a trip down memory lane to see how far we have come. My day to day life in 2023 is so far removed from what it was in 2017. It was a serries of changes some by chance, some by force without choice and some of the most important changes were the result of taking an active part in my life.
I would have never gotten this far without taking action, making goals and putting in effort. Do I have same shit different day weeks? Yes I do. But when things get to routine thats when you have to get back to being and active player in day to day life and decide what you need and want to change. This journey has been full of sorrow, depression, anger, joy, self doubt, self discovery and at the end of the day I would not change a thing. It has led to be the man that I am today. Mistakes and all they shaped me and taught me what I needed to learn. Never be scared to take a moment and reflect.
Setting goals is the treasure map to a better life outside of the same shit different day life. Putting in the work is the journey that takes it from a treasure map to a life that you treasure. We will all fall down, we will all get stuck and sometimes we will loose that damn map. But as long as we have dreams, ambtion and the will to be better humans we will always get back on that path. If you have made it this far I truly thank you for taking the time to read all of this. On that note I need ot head for bed. 6 AM comes early when an old guy like me stays up this late on a school night.
Bishop :(:
So many things have happend since then. For the sake of time as it is now 11:23 on a school night I am going to wrap this up. Brian you asked me how to quit living the same shit different day life. It is a process. This entire journey has been that process from my sepreation and divorce starting back in August of 2017.
Sometimes we need a trip down memory lane to see how far we have come. My day to day life in 2023 is so far removed from what it was in 2017. It was a serries of changes some by chance, some by force without choice and some of the most important changes were the result of taking an active part in my life.
I would have never gotten this far without taking action, making goals and putting in effort. Do I have same shit different day weeks? Yes I do. But when things get to routine thats when you have to get back to being and active player in day to day life and decide what you need and want to change. This journey has been full of sorrow, depression, anger, joy, self doubt, self discovery and at the end of the day I would not change a thing. It has led to be the man that I am today. Mistakes and all they shaped me and taught me what I needed to learn. Never be scared to take a moment and reflect.
Setting goals is the treasure map to a better life outside of the same shit different day life. Putting in the work is the journey that takes it from a treasure map to a life that you treasure. We will all fall down, we will all get stuck and sometimes we will loose that damn map. But as long as we have dreams, ambtion and the will to be better humans we will always get back on that path. If you have made it this far I truly thank you for taking the time to read all of this. On that note I need ot head for bed. 6 AM comes early when an old guy like me stays up this late on a school night.
Bishop :(:
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