In preparation for season two of Mental Flog, I have been hitting the books again. My self-help library has played a large role in my healing. Anyone can buy a book with good intentions to read it. But to read these books, understand these books and apply them is an experience. I will be taking a second or even third trip through some of these for the podcast. I want to make this the best season yet of our show. To accomplish that, I have to put some time and skin into the game and really bring my A game out to play.
I pulled out my study materials and got settled in on the couch this morning. I pulled out the Do The Work book first. This is a work book for Unfuck Yourself by Gary John Bishop. I purchased this book back in 2020 I believe. I had the best intentions of taking that journey and actually doing the work. That plan got sidetracked by spending more time doing nothing with the person I last in a relationship with before Shelby. Doing the work turned into movie marathons, sex and taking a crash course in poverty that was not my own, but in time would feel like it was.
I did start doing the work after she and I split. I did not make it through the book. I don't have an excuse to offer, I simply failed to keep doing the work. But penned in the first parts of the book was a snapshot I who I was when I ended that relationship. This work book has deep questions with writing assignments. The first question you need to answer is this. "Write down at least five ways that you feel as if you are too much."
I wrote down eight answers. I am too overweight. I am too hard to love. I am too weird. I am too demanding. I am too unmotivated. I am too giving. I am too forgiving. I am too insecure. It went on to the second question. "Explain why you think you are this way." I continued with, "I don't push myself hard enough. After a long run of failed relationships, I have some fucking PTSD. I often times want to be loved and accepted, so I don't rock the boat. I hold back too much for the sake of others."
Reading that today really helped put into perspective a few things. First and foremost, that ending that relationship was 1,000% the correct choice. I really do not want to even ponder what my life would be like today if I had not ended things. Secondly, I had a very poor opinion of myself. I find irony in this because months after things ended, her mother's best friend had stalked my Instagram and on one of my book reviews tole me I needed to read the narcissist diagnostic manual. I actually stopped writing and went and took the NPI test because this is still triggering to me. I worry about being a narcissist.
What I am getting at is how much has changed since early 2022. I still have my struggles, and I am doing the work to change them. There are more than a few notable differences in my present day relationship with Shelby. But something that I love is how in our own ways we are driven to meet our personal goals. It's 7:41 Sunday evening, and I am out here writing. Shelby is in their office studying as they just started college. We also have incredibly effective, open and respectful communication. We do not have any "taboo" topics of conversation that must be avoided in order to keep the peace. It feels really nice to not be the only functional adult in a relationship.
I was also personally attacked by Gary John Bishop today. I have been indulging too much in video games and avoiding the things I want to work on, and this highlighted passage hit the nail on the head. I am a work in progress, but anyone who has stepped into the world of bettering themselves knows that the work never truly stops. This is also exciting because Jeff, myself and a few others are about to start up a weekly book club to start a self-help workbook that we started years ago but never finished. The 5-Minute Pocket Life Coach. It is an exciting read with amazing questions and activities. I am excited to see where it takes us this time around.
Today has been an exceptional day. I got to play a reasonable amount of computer games. I studied material beneficial for myself and the podcast. I learned some new tricks and made the absolute best steaks I have ever made in my life. I also made my garlic cajun mashed potatoes. I haven't had those in probably a year. Shelby enjoyed taking a nap and waking up to food. We also got dishes done and I meal prepped work breakfast for the week. After dinner, we enjoyed some coffee and conversation. Then we both took a few minutes to work on putting away laundry. I feel prepared for the work week. Everything is put away and easy to find in the morning. I am finishing off then night with apple rum mixed with apple cider in my cool skull glass that Brian sent me. And look at this a blog post written before it is far too late to be up on a school night! On that note, dear reader, I am off to enjoy the rest of my day before I must retire for the night and begin the work week. Thank you to all of those who read and enjoy this blog and message me in private or public.
Bishop :(:
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