Today, the season two trailer for Mental Flog was launched. As we prepare to embark on this journey, I have found my self taking screenshots of talking points. This has also prompted some self reflection on the events of the past seven years since my separation and divorce. I feel as though this reflection comes with a fresh view point.
In at least one relationship, I had clear and undeniable proof of deceit and infidelity. Me being me, I was a glutton for punishment and I stuck around letting her lie to my face when I knew it was all bullshit. I wasn't ready for things to end, and I loved her. It tore me up inside, but I was not strong enough to end things and accept that they were what they were. I am to blame for sticking around and continuing the hurt and mental distress I experienced. It would have been wise to admit I knew the truth and cut things off before they could hurt more. I am wiser now than I was then.
You can not get peace, truth and closure from someone who frequently lies to you without remorse. Read that again if you need to. If they have a history of lying and get a closure conversation, the likelihood of you actually being at peace and believing what was said is very low. More than likely you will sit there at night and mentally pick apart what was said wondering what was true and generate a whole new set of questions.
I had to learn to trust actions over words. I had a tender heart, and words had a power over me. I take ownership of the fact that I would try harder to be a key player in another person's life if I felt like they were pushing me away. If I felt like I really wanted to be with someone, I would take a metric ton of excuses in stride and keep trying to prove my worth. Because in my head, if I could show my value, how could they not want to be with me? You can't prove yourself to someone who is not interested in you. You might give them a really enjoyable free ride until they get bored, though.
Mistakes happen, making the same mistake is a choice. One of the hardest truths to come to terms with was this. Just because someone makes a choice it is not directly tied to my value, everyone is fighting their own battle, and they are on a different page. Infidelity, dishonesty and such are a reflection of who they are and what they are dealing with. It is doubtful that being more this or more that could or would change how they behave. People will do what they want to do, end of story. This lesson was harder to internalize than some of the others. I always tend to blame myself and finger myself as the cause of the issue.
Have you ever been in a relationship where you wanted to talk about something but were scared that having that conversation would rock the boat? Rock the fucking boat! If you can't have open and honest conversations about thing that are important to you, you really can and will do much better without that person. Might not seem like it, could feel like the world is ending, but really you NEED to light that match. The longer you stay in that situation, the worse it will be for you. I have shared, a few time, a selfie I took when I was in a relationship like this. I looked fucking dead. These situations will wear you down in ways you can't even imagine. No one is worth being with if you fear having an honest conversation will be relationship ending.
I have dated a few people like this. They often will have many stories where they have been fucked by life, but none of it was in any way their fault. Beware of people who never take ownership of issues in life. The perpetual victim will some day have a story about how you wronged them when things come to end. I recall a conversation with Adam one time about a girl that was an ex of mine. They had become friends, and he had a major crush on her. I can't blame him, she was attractive and had a way of making you feel wanted. I recounted to him what she told me of the ex before me. It was a lightbulb moment for him because apparently she was telling him a verbatim story about me. Some people just want attention, and when she was down, he was a safe bet to get the attention she craved until she found someone more interesting to her. I still regret introducing them, he never deserved that, but truthfully no one deserves to be used for a pick me up like that.
Depending on where you are in the self-worth and healing process, red flags can look like a lot of fun. Truth be told, there are parts of them that are incredibly fun. But the cost to play is high. We all know a person in our circle or in an online group, and they look like a fun time. For some reason, they change their FB relationship status more frequently than some people change their underwear. This is your warning not to touch the fire it will burn you, if you are really unlucky it will burn you when you pee. Yes, that is an STD joke. But all jokes aside, they change partners so frequently because something is really wrong.
Some people don't know how to be alone. Others can not maintain a consistent relationship. Some people bounce when the shine of the new toy wears off. Others will disappear when you figure them out and leave because they are not willing and might not ever be to deal with the problems they have. So heed this warning from someone who spent a long time chasing red flags. It is not worth it, it will end, and most likely badly. It will still hurt, and truly it won't be worth it. Yes, at the end of the day you will be able to say that you did it. But with that, sooner rather than later comes the feeling of being empty and some self loathing.
Chances are, reading that will most likely remind you of a few people. Or take you on a daydream of what life would be like without some people. Bask in that truth. When you gain self-worth, find stability and set boundaries, inevitably some people you have associated with will no longer be people you wish to maintain a connection with. This could be anyone from a romantic partner to the friend you thought was a ride or die but did not take well to you changing. As I changed and grew as a person, my circle got smaller. The more lessons I learned, the more my friend group changed. It was hard at first but overall was better than being stuck in the same mental and emotional level until the end of time.
Every single one of us is the villain in at least one person's life. Believe it or not, that's ok. Let them say what they need to say. If it costs you some people along the way, rest assured they probably really weren't your people to begin with. At the end of the day, you have to feel good about how you conduct yourself. You have to answer to yourself, so act accordingly. Just remember you can't expect you out of other people because people will really do what they want to. Everyone will find a tribe at some point, they just might change some members along the way, and that is a natural part of life. Be thankful for the good memories and grateful for the lessons you learn along the way. 
Bishop :(:
PS I seriously considered calling this post Lessons From A reformed Red Flag Chasing Ethical Man Whore. But that felt like too many words...
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