The Closure Trap

 

            She had reminded me that I could feel in love again. When I held her in my arms, I felt like my soul was at peace and I could not think of another place I would rather be. I saw a future with her, with her kids. I had a picture-perfect life living inside my head, and I was ready for it. Not only that, but I was without a doubt infatuated with her and if she wanted something all she had to do was ask. But suddenly she was distant. She had asked for more time together, but reversed course and asked for space. We made plans and she ghosted. I sent messages but got left on read. Suddenly she had a new boyfriend, and he was the jealous type, so her and I even talking was not allowed. 

           This is not the story of a two date Tinder romance or some snipping from a new romance novel. I lived this. It sucked. 10 out of 10 do not recommend. I was heartbroken. I was hungry for closure. I needed to know what I did wrong or how I wasn't enough. If I could change something without a doubt, I was ready, willing and able. I longed to understand how I wasn't worthy of her love. We were so close, and we had been there for each other. 

      

            In reality, I knew she had been cheating on me. I had caught her in lies. Not my proudest moment, but when we made plans, and she broke them, I drove by her house and I saw his truck parked in the driveway. It hurt, but I never called her on it. If I called her on it, that would end things because that would be rocking the boat. I wasn't ready to lose her. I wasn't willing to accept that I already had. 

            Lots of drinking, lots of talking with friends. I searched for answers high and low about how I messed things up. Because of course, I made the failure of this relationship my fault. I was lacking something she needed, and I was desperate to be the man she wanted and needed in her life. I spent many a sleepless night reliving conversations and times we spent together, searching my memory for clues. 

        The memory of who I thought she was surpassed the logic of who she had shown me to be. It allowed me to side step the logic of the point-blank fact that this was a habit of hers. She told me herself that she cheated on her ex-husband. Her new bestie and her new boss at work had a habit of being "suddenly single" when her man was out of town, of course he never knew. And then when he was heading back home they "worked things out" and all was well again. Of course, she was a bad influence and this was all her fault. Yes, I tried to find blame outside myself eventually.   

        She caught the man she left me for in bed with another woman. A bit of poetic justice. But it never drew us back together. When out in public with friends, newly single, she said hi to each and every friend but avoided me. Hugging the person right next to me and walking past like I never existed. She did start commenting on my Facebook posts about her and hew new boyfriend. She even went as far as messaging me about meeting up with a mutual acquaintance that was in town with her and her boyfriend and suggested we all got together. 

        By that point I was able to see how toxic she was. She got left on read this time. Soon after I mustered the strength to block her on social media as a friend had suggested to many months and self-torture sessions before. I forgot about Instagram. She started liking and un liking my posts. Thanks for the reminder, I blocked here there too. 

        

       I never got that "Closure" conversation. But, what good would it have actually done? I knew she would lie to my face. So if that conversation ever happened, I would just be another memory to ponder and try to figure out the truths from the lies while I lay awake at night. Closure is nice when it can be healthy. But sometimes closure really has to come from within. 

        I had to do the self work to fully deconstruct what had happened. I called myself many un productive names for what an idiot I had been. I dodged a massive bullet, even if it did not feel like it at the time. This is not to say you have to vilify someone to get that personal closure. But you do have to be in the headspace to have an honest conversation with yourself about who they are and what really happened. That conversation has to be as black and white as possible. Sometimes we need the distance of time to fully have that talk. 

        Ted Talks, drinking, outings with friends, reading books and alone time are how I got to that space. The drinking is not required or honestly something I recommend anymore. Closure is possible from within. It is not fun, but it can be done. A huge key is to remember that in most scenarios you really aren't actually at fault. Some people can't have those adult conversations, and that is why they "Irish goodbye" from your life. It is not fair, but it is who they are. 

        Lean on friends, talk it out when you need to. Find productive distractions. Getting over someone while you get under someone else is just a recipe for a trauma bond on inflicting your bullshit on another poor person. Sober and alone time can be the most productive. Sometimes you also have to purge the mementos and reminders of that former life, even if it hurts. We all heal in different ways, there is no one size fits all answer to moving on. But life does get better, no matter how much your jaded ass wants to say "Never again" to dating or romantic relationships. Yes, you are allowed to feel and be dramatic for a time if you must. Just remember, this might be more of a blessing than a curse. I am thankful I never got back with that ex I so wanted to. I deserve a life better than what she could offer me. I deserve the truth, and she and the truth were not friends.

Bishop :(: