After the tooth pull experience, I accomplished something I have been dreaming of for years. I purchased another Crown Victoria. An 89 LTD Crown Victoria to be exact. I have owned a 93 and a 98 before but never a vintage boxy LTD. I had to take out a small personal loan to purchase the vehicle, but it was worth it. My Jeep and VW both need some service done, and this gives me a good opportunity to park them and work on them. Before I got to that point, I had to replace the water pump on the LTD. My friend Justin spent two Saturdays slogging it out with me to replace it. But she is back on the road. Besides, a new coolant leak that developed when I took the car to Orem on Friday to pick up Jackie. An offering of some shoelace and a parking lot repair later, she was back on the road without teaching Jackie any new words she didn't already know. When replacing coolant hoses on a car that are aged, just replace ALL the hoses. A bypass hose that bypassed itself took two hours or so out of my weekend with Jackie.
Five days ago, I celebrated an 18-year anniversary of sorts. May 15th 2006 I was in Old Lyme CT. I got off work and went to my friend's house. I drank on an empty stomach and decided to head home to heat up some hot pockets. I will never forget my friend Josh asked me if I was good to drive, I responded with a joyful "Fuck no man" and with that I was off like a prom dress to my date with destiny. Destiny took the form of a tree at the end of his street. It was raining that night. I looked down to change the track on the CD. When I looked up, I knew I was screwed. I stomped on the brakes and took a sharp left. Once the car started to skid, I gave it the gas and tried to increase the slide.
Truthfully, there was no way at that point I could have avoided the tree. But instead of hitting it head on, my actions lead me to hit it with the passenger side front of the car. I was doing an estimated 50 MPH and not wearing a seat belt. I flew across the car, taking out the rearview with my head and removing the center pull out ashtray with my ankle. I impacted into the front window with my head actually fracturing the glass. Then the airbags went off and laid me out in the seat. I ran back to the house party in progress and yelled" Everyone get the fuck out of here, I just crashed my car!". With that, the party was indeed over.
The local town police were off that night. A Trooper was the officer on duty. That was probably a blessing. I really was a shithead kid, and the local PD would have loved a reason to lock me up. As an adult, I can't really blame them. My boss and assistant fire chief showed up. Somehow they convinced him I was really a good kid, I was just going through some shit. I got a ticket for driving too fast for conditions and not an underage DUI that evening. The car that I totaled that also saved my life that night was a 93 Ford Crown Victoria.
The local town police were off that night. A Trooper was the officer on duty. That was probably a blessing. I really was a shithead kid, and the local PD would have loved a reason to lock me up. As an adult, I can't really blame them. My boss and assistant fire chief showed up. Somehow they convinced him I was really a good kid, I was just going through some shit. I got a ticket for driving too fast for conditions and not an underage DUI that evening. The car that I totaled that also saved my life that night was a 93 Ford Crown Victoria.
My parents came to town shortly after. I remember clearly my father being upset that I was not charged that evening. I got the usual lecture that I needed to repent and return to church. I went a few times after that. Near the end of that summer, Josh and I headed to Idaho. He stuck around for a few months before he headed home. He still lives in Old Lyme in that same house. He has a family now. I knew I needed to leave, or I would end up dead or in jail, and neither of those options were truthfully appealing. Josh, helping me get out of Old Lyme, truthfully saved me. Some of the other kids we ran with never got out of the life and ended up dead in various ways at a young age.
I have let myself and many people down over the years. I was not the proud, strong and faithful son who served a mission and got married in the temple that my parents hoped for. I never served the mission, and I decided against the church all together rather than getting married in the temple. I have gone into more detail about this in past posts and podcast episodes, so I will get to the point.
It is your life. You have to live it on your terms. Parents will have hopes and dreams and some expectations for us. As will some friends and romantic partners. But at the end of the day, you have to be the one to choose what life you will live. You have your own hopes, dreams and goals to hit. You will probably, like most of us, change plans, get discouraged and fall short in some areas. You have yourself to answer to for that. Regretting the past is precious time wasted on things that can not be changed.
Learn the lessons you need to from the past and make new plans accordingly. Therapy is not a bad thing, and a good therapist can honestly help you. Mine has been working with me on some heavy shit I need to put to rest. I recently learned I am still dealing with emotions from 1993... The shit we bury is still a part of us until it is resolved, and not all of that work can be done alone. Us humans are fantastic at lying to ourselves about shit. There is no shame in seeking help. The world is a better place with you in it, no matter what those dark voices have to say.
Kids are only kids for so long. Spend time with them and help them chase those dreams. But I beg you, please don't force shit on them. My father this past weekend tried to get my daughter to ask me to go to church with her. I am still in the process of getting my name taken off the church roles. It has moved its way up my priority list. Neither myself nor my ex-wife are active Mormons any longer. I am glad my parents have something they find comfort in and believe in. But I WILL NOT encourage my daughter to attend that church, it was not for me, and it is not how I want to live my life. When she gets older (older than eight) if she wants to choose that path, I will have an honest conversation with her about my thoughts and feelings. If she still wants to join, I will support her choice, but I will not be the one to lead her to it. For any practicing Mormons who read this. Good on you if it brings you joy. I am not here to shit on that, but we do not have the same beliefs. I am not here to change your opinions or faith, I am here to live my life.
Live your life. Embrace who you are. Who you are will change over time, and that is ok. Just remember, it is 100% ok to not follow the hopes and dreams that other have for you, and you are well within your rights to tell them where to shove it if they try and push the issue. Life is truly what you make it. Day by day, you can build a new life and chase those dreams. The only thing that can truly stop you is you. It is shitty and amazing to hear, but it is the truth. We live in a world full of free knowledge, all you have to do is partake in it.
Bishop :(:
Bishop :(:
Comments
Post a Comment