Dear Bishop was first posted December 23rd of 2017. It was the first time I ever wrote a letter to myself. It opened many doors and helped shape who I am today. For those interested in where it all started, here is a link to the original post. Dear Bishop. Gradually I moved the date to August 11th the date of my former wedding anniversary. This August 11th I seized the day and lived in the moment, with the promise to my self that I would sit down and write this today. For those interested, carry on.
Dear Bishop,
We are one day past the agreed upon meeting date. However, I am glad to see we are keeping to the agreed upon rain check. I see much in the spirit of our first meeting, you have prepared a mix drink. Over the years, it seems you have moved onto whiskey instead of rum as your chosen drink. I want to tell you how proud I am of the change in drinking habits. I remember back in 2017 how you really put the booze away. Life seemed much more crowded then.
You haven't even set foot in a bar this year. But from 2017 to 2019 bar photos dominate the photo album. Every other weekend get-togethers to get hammered are a thing of the past. You only buy the the booze you like because it lasts a long, long time now.
Our first meeting started with you dealing with heartache and loss. I never told you that along the way, once you started this journey, the loss would only increase. However, as you grew, you accepted it. The people you used to get hammered with aren't really around anymore. As you changed, many of them stayed the same. As you often say, "A same shit different day life will get you same shit different day results". Motivated by change, you drifted apart. You accepted less toxic behavior and grew self-worth.
These changes are what enabled you to move on from the single wide in Orem and make actionable plans for change. You had friends to help and encourage you along the way and that one ex we don't talk to anymore to really ride the coat tails, but you made it. Changing jobs when you no longer felt valued and landing a job you had dreamed of for years really was well deserved and earned.
Time does indeed help heal old wounds, but you were always right. What you do with that time truly matters. The person you longed for in our first meeting is a memory not often visited from the far reaches of the past. At some points you would have gladly taken her back had the opportunity been offered but now... Now you could not give a fuck less about her and her life. This is growth.
While these last seven years have been an adventure with a fair bit of misadventure, it has shaped you. If you had stayed married, you would have never been happy or at peace. Divorce while hard was the best outcome for both of you. The single life presented opportunity that has led you to where you are today that would have never come to fruition.
The job, house and your current partner would all have been filed under the category of things that could have been. I am proud of you for the healing you have done and the concepts you have come to understand. The journey of healing and growing is never ending but unlike the you of years past that no longer feels like something scary. The tides of time never cease to flow and you have finally found away to enjoy the ride.
Now that the second beverage has been opened, and the music is flowing, let's get into the meat and potatoes of tonight's meeting. Therapy has been amazing for you. You are finally diving into the things inside that actually go bump in the night. You are slowly learning how to give up the habit of being a sponge for grief. Furthermore, you are processing things that have needed processing for decades.
This path is not always easy, and it will mess with you in ways you never expected. This is however the next level of growth. Reading books, writing and podcasting are all good, but this work you are doing is past due. Some things need not live longer rent-free in your head.
You have better boundaries, more drive and higher self expectations than ever before. That circle of friends is smaller than ever, but it is the right group. You don't hold back anymore, and you don't just cave to bullshit. This was needed. When an opinion needs to be voiced, you aren't so timid anymore. You have actionable goals, and you are rising to meet them again. You drifted for a while, but once again here we are learning and accomplishing things.
Lets talk about the irony of last night. On August 11th 2007 you said I do. You had a small ceremony in Orem and a small reception. Later that night, you ended up at Sizzler in Provo. Then off to the hotel across the street for the honeymoon night. Last night you ended up in Provo across the street at the Paranormal Circus. Seventeen years apart from then to now. Seven years apart from each other. Life did not end, you are making a life filled with love and plans with someone who cherishes you.
The beard is more gray, the weight still heavy, but you are here alive and making plans for the future. Big plans. I am proud of you, I love you and I am excited for you. Lots of love big guy.
Signed Bishop to Bishop :(:
Obligatory breaking of the third wall. You, yes you, are you living a same shit different day life? Do you feel hopless, possibly like the world is ending and maybe better off without you? I, too, felt these things for many years. Being in the wrong relationship can be a dark fate. It can make happy feel like a distant memory and happiness feel like an impossible act.
Sometimes we are both the asshole, so before you mount up that high horse and race through justified land, stop and really ponder those actions. It takes two to tango, and two are equally capable of making a really unappetizing shit sandwich.
Are you alone and feel like you keep dating the same kind of person? Dating because you are lonely is about as productive as going to the buffet because you are bored. Sure you accomplished something but at what cost? The lonely version of us is about as trustworthy as a dollar store Rolex.
The biggest change I ever made in my life was right here, being open and honest with myself about my bullshit. Self work was my key to change. Change meant letting go of habits and behaviors that no longer helped me be my best self. It was not easy, but it was so fucking worth it. When I became a whole ass person who could go to work, come home and make plans for myself with joy is when I finally met Shelby.
If you want to meet the best version of yourself, hang up the excuses and start taking some fucking accountability. I have yet to meet an actual successful and happy person who blames everyone for the shit they deal with. If you want to meet someone meaningful, get comfortable with yourself. Because healed people do not go searching for new toxic bullshit to experience. Fuck off energy is a thing, and it is far different from please for the love of god fuck me I am lonely energy. Fuck off, energy has no time for scrubs.
Be excellent to you. Be real with yourself. If this sparks something in you, I invite you to check out Mental Flog and learn from some people who have been to the bottom of the black hole and bounced back. New episodes coming soon.
Bishop :(:
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