I Am Wired to Win?

 

            Sometimes it is good to go back to the basics. For me, the works of Gary John Bishop are a rock that I used in building my foundation. Going back to the basics does not imply that things have been shit. This is preventative maintenance, like an oil change for the car. Things just work better when you take care of them. 

            On the subject of things going to shit, I present my eating habits. Anyone who indulged in my last blog post got to see some poor self talk. It is what it is, it happened just like the weight gain. At that moment in time, my self written and self produced slam fest was anger at myself. While this feels like a productive bout of self anger, it is not something that can sustain the changes I need.      

         Today I read chapter three, I Am Wired to win. While this chapter is by no means new information to me, it did revitalize some information. I am fat, this has been a fact since about the first grade. The pounds piled on after the passing of my grandmother. 

            Food has been a coping mechanism, reward and comfort for myself. It has also been a horrible expense, a fact that I reinforced with myself as I looked over my budget and spending habits this weekend. 

            Had a shit day? Better hit the drive-through on the way home. Had a long day? Better hit the drive-through on the way home? Had a great day? You guessed it, drive-through for the win! 

            But this has been allowing my basic programming of "I am fat." to win. It is something that has been a fact for the majority of my life. So the thought of needing a cheeseburger is something that I put up very little resistance to since it fits my base programming and is easily fact-checked. My knees can easily attest to this fact. Some of the things I am working through in therapy revolve around this issue. 

            So I am wired to win, and I have been winning at being fat. Now, it would be easy to accept this and give a classic "I am who I am." chuck weight loss in the fuck it bin and hit the drive-through. But knowledge is power and responsibility. We live the life that we accept. I am not willing to accept my life and physical condition as it currently is. It does not serve me well, it restricts my abilities. It causes me physical pain currently and has caused mental pain before. 

            I had a long run of self loathing. I used to legit wonder why people wanted to hug me because I told myself I was fat and gross. It took a long time to accept that, that was not a truth. 

            Brief detour on my story. Being "Wired to win" is not just a weight loss problem. It can be many, many things. Here are some examples for you. 

1.  Why does everyone I date treat me like shit? 

2. I never meet any of the goals I set. 

3. I am too broke to do anything. 

4. Life is unfair and people have pulled some shit that put me in this situation.

5. I just can't get ahead, I don't know why I bother. 

6 Why does everything bad always happen to me? 

7. No one respects me. 

            Did any of these strike a chord with you? Self talk becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy rather easily. Even if we don't say these things out loud, if said often enough and believed they become our reality. Our subconscious takes this information and runs with it. Why wouldn't it? It's what we believe, so it becomes the spice of our life. Maybe take a moment and ponder what you have been mentally feeding yourself and see if it jives with the life you are living. 

            I have spent this last week rewriting my "I am fat" statement. Now it is "I am dedicated to getting healthy". Is it easy? Fuck no! Is it worth it? Yes, because I am dedicated to getting healthy. I am over wasting money on food that is killing me. I am over the join pain and getting winded looking at a set of stairs. Furthermore, I am done with letting a truth from my childhood dictate my midlife reality. Can we fact-check this? Absolutely! 

              I have stepped on the scale every day for the past week. I have been weighed, I have been measured, and I have been found to be 5.2 pounds down. My last fitness journey derailed when I developed muscle issues in my right leg. Issues that I have just dealt with and lived with. Issues that can be fixed with effort. But that did not fit my "I am fat" agenda. So I had a pity party, I waved the white flag and I ate a cheeseburger. Ok, it was more than one cheeseburger. 
            My weight on the left is lower than what I showed on my last blog post. I tried again and found it to be lower than at the start of the day. This was all done with diet changes. I swear to you, since I have mentally made the switch of not accepting things as they are, it feels like the pounds have started falling off. I know it will take more effort and exercise to make this sustainable and at a rate that is more agreeable to myself. But I burned the white flag and flipped off the drive-through! 

            So, dear reader, what are you currently wired to win at? I challenge you to post it in the comments or DM me if you have that contact info. Let's get the ball rolling and support each other in our goals. Just remember to make the change, this is a daily task. As I have proven before, dedication can fall easily if at odds with your goals.

Bishop :(: