Generational Flavors Blessings, Gifts, Traumas and Curses.

             Some of my long time readers might remember me talking about "Not ready".  The long and the short of it was I was given many "Gifts" that I was not allowed to use. A microscope, science kit, the list is longer than I care to write. 

            I think my family enjoyed the act of shopping for them. But when it came time to use them, mom was not willing to deal with me getting them out. At this stage of life, I think this had more to do with mom than my being ready for them. 

            The outcome of this, while unintentional, is that I often have a hard time using nice things. Gifted some expensive pocket notebooks? My handwriting is not good enough for such a fine gift. I better work on that, so I can use this someday. (Puts item on shelf and never works on handwriting). Wants to learn how to draw and gets gifted expensive artist grade supplies and sketchbook... You guessed it, I was not good enough to use such things. This is probably why the model aircraft I bought for myself is still in a box upstairs...  So yeah, still a work in progress. 

            Here we see Jackie painting some unicorns. When she first got them, so was super excited to paint them. My inner defect took effect, and I was super controlling. We painted a few parts and then put them away to dry for far longer than I care to admit. I wanted them to be perfect. Yes, I wanted a child's art project to be perfect, I too now see how stupid it sounds.

            This Saturday I walked into her room and grabbed the long shelved box and told her I was going to go paint unicorns. In a flash, the TV was off, and she was hot on my heels. I set everything up and told her I was just kidding. I asked her if she wanted to finish them. She was overjoyed to do an art project. 

            I kept my instructions and criticism to a minimum. I only told her she was putting the paint on too thick once. After that, I bit my lip and let her do my thing. I sat at the table and read my copy of Unfu*k Yourself while she painted. My only hands on involvement was getting her set up to paint and fetching a few things she asked for while painting.

            It was while reading the day before I suddenly realized what I was doing. I was ashamed. I was mad, and then I vowed to stop doing that shit. I can not control what happened to me as a kid. But I can learn, grow and change. Trauma comes in all shapes and sizes, and often without the help of a licensed professional we can't fully realize it. I do not for a moment think my parents knew the repercussions of those actions when they took them. The time to be mad about it is long since past. The time to heal from it is right fucking now. 

            I often ponder what I do that will cause my child to need therapy in the future. This is not to say that I think I am a bad father. But I do firmly believe no matter what our best intensions are, we will all unknowingly mess up along the way. It's not an if, it's a when. Reading some Gary John Bishop put me in the right headspace to ponder things, and that was when I stumbled onto the mental pathway that opened my eyes to what I was doing. While I was upset with myself, dwelling on it is useless. All I can do is be aware of it and be better. Action will solve things, a pity party never will. 

            What I just dropped was pretty heavy. I invite you to sit with if for as long as you need. Ponder it and if something strikes emotion, maybe ponder if you have something to work on? Now onto something a bit more light. 

            Jackie for whatever reason has something against potatoes. She likes them as chips, fries and sometimes hash browns. Baked potatoes were a no-go until I smoked some. Mashed potatoes were also forbidden. I made twice smoked potatoes. She freaking inhaled the potato first! DAD WIN! 

            After she ate most of it, I explained that she basically ate mashed potatoes in a potato skin. She was a bit shocked. So we talked more about mashed spuds and texture. I got her to agree that the next time she is offered homemade mashed potatoes, she needs to give them a try again. See, I don't always mess things up. 


  

            One of my coworkers got married over the weekend. Shelby and I got invited, and of course we said yes. Look at us all cleaned up. It was nice to get out, and the wedding was amazing.

            My white shirt was a no-go as it was way too snug. The black shirt still fits. This brings me to the weekly report. I gained 2.7 pounds over the last week, putting me at 361.3. I am not going to get mad, I am going to move on and do better. 

            At one time, I would have spent the next week eating like shit and hating on myself. Now I am going to observe my eating habits and make the changes I need to try and not repeat this. 

            I took today off. I needed a mental health day. A day with no requirements, just a day to be myself. Mission accomplished. Did some meal prep, a few light chores, and then I treated myself. Five Guys is one of my favorites. So I indulged in a bacon cheeseburger and some Cajun fries. Does this in any way fit into my weight loss goals? It does not in any way. But It was my mental health day and I have curbed my fast food addiction nicely. I am working on being healthy, not finding new ways to punish myself. The trade-off is I felt bloated and gross after I ate it. So progress I guess. When was the last time you took a mental health day? 

Bishop :(: