Angry Self-Care

             This post take a detour from the Self & Self Love series I have been posting. Well, it kind of does... This post will not be a continuation of that series of events. This weekend while not horrible has had its frustrations. Frustrations that have not helped me feel recharged, refreshed or even in a good mood. No one is to blame, no names have been added to the shit list. Just a ball of frustration has snowballed into a bad mood. It happens sometimes. 

            On the drive back from dropping off the monkey, the mood settled in. We had to stop and check on a cat and then go to Walmart to do some food shopping. It was six and already dark out. I hate when it is so dark so early. One of the things that should not annoy me but did was having to meal prep. That subject too is a snowball. 

            I am frustrated with my physical condition. Something that is 100% within my control. But as history has proven, my control is not always the best in this area. I did some stress / emotional eating this weekend. Ever since Thanksgiving I feel like my eating has been a bit off the rails or strongly on the rails of fuck it... It has left me feeling bloated and uncomfortable. But you know, no one fed me at gun point, so I only have myself to blame. 

 

        I have been trying to eat a more keto friendly diet. Not 100% strict, but removing some of the delicious carbs from my diet. That is my lunch for tomorrow. Salad, sharp cheese, an egg, tuna, blue cheese stuffed olives and some meat. Honestly, the salad with tuna on it sounded so fucking weird to me. But it is actually very good. 

        It is fairly inexpensive and easy enough to prep. So it has been my constant for a while now. Tonight, the task of meal prep just sounded overwhelming and unenjoyable.  I had zero desire to complete that task. The trade-off would be a shitty day at work tomorrow without lunch because I am so done with eating out.

            The motivation fairy continues to be something that does not exist. Firm in that undeniable fact and annoyed with my self, what followed was angry self-care. Oh, yes, I was annoyed the entire time. I did the angry waltz of cleaning out the fridge. Banishing the food past its prime into the trash can. I washed my salad dish with a bit of venom in my soul. I dared the instant pot to try and fuck up as I called about the five, five, five method of making seven hard-boiled eggs. Sadly, my frustration was not enough to transfigure them into deviled eggs in the process. 

        I did take a certain amount of joy in violence, I used to shake them in my coffee cup. Seriously, if you haven't tried that yet, it has been the best life hack. Put a hard-boiled egg in a coffee cup and shake the shit out of it for a few seconds. No more losing half an egg in the peeling process anymore. Those seven eggs took maybe two minutes to peel. I will need to make more on Tuesday to get through the week with enough for snacks and salads. 

            I cleaned and chopped the celery with epic attitude. Taking pleasure in the crunch as the knife sliced away, making snack and salad sized bits. I decided to use my displeasure to portion out my eggs, meat and celery into bags for the week. Yes, I let frustration flow and went the extra mile to make my morning ritual of packing my lunch bag that much easier on myself. TAKE THAT, YOU BASTARD! Packing lunch will be so easy in the morning. I did have a momentary pity party when I realized my coffee mug is in my Jeep at work. The Jeep broke down on the way back from Orem Saturday night. It is either a bad battery or an alternator issue... Or both with the way shit has been going. But that is a tomorrow adventure... Yay, adventure. 

        Once the chopping, mixing and packing had been done. I loaded the dishwasher with the enthusiasm and zest of a man who was over the bullshit of today. I trudged down the stairs and firmly planted myself in a chair in the office. I talked with Shelby for a while and let them show me the world of Red Dead Redemption. It was a nice pause in the sea of angry self-love. But the journey was not over. 

            I decided that I really should put away my laundry. Because my mornings are so much easier when I don't start the day fishing for clean clothes out of my laundry bag. Take that, asshole, you have clean laundry all put away now! Another thing, enjoy watching one of your favorite gamers on YouTube while you complete this chore. Sadistic I know. 

            The motivation fairy really never did visit this evening. But the I refuse to keep being unhealthy and frustrated fairy... That bitch might just be real. Am I ridiculous? Yes, I certainly am. But a pity party or avoiding what needed to be done truly would not have made things any easier. If we keep living the way we have been, life will continue on, frustrations and all. This is a proven fact. Lamenting how things are and sitting in misery will only lead to more of the same. If I am to get fitter and better, it will be through actions. It will not always be through angry self-love, but if that's the emotion I have to deal with. Well, saddle that bitch up and ride!

            It was a relief to get food prep done. It was enjoyable to sit and talk with Shelby. I felt accomplished getting laundry put away. Laying here on the bed as I am just about to call it a night, I can say my mood has improved. Do I still have some feelings about dealing with the Jeep tomorrow? Yes I do. But they are not as big as they were a few hours ago. Was it an amazing weekend? In some ways, yes. I got to spend time with my daughter and Shelby. I got to watch Jackie dance on stage. We got to watch a movie last night as a family. While Shelby slept this morning, I spent some one on one time with the monkey. We got to make the sand art she has been ready to do for weeks now. So it was a bad mood in an overwhelmed moment of time. I made it out to be much more than it was. But I kept my shit together and did not take it out on anyone else. That is a win and I will take it. Tomorrow I get back on my diet and roll with the punches that come my way. Because I have a 100% survival rate of bad days, and I am not ready to break that record. 

Bishop :(: