My ankle was fucked up. At the hospital they did not tell me much other than I was fine. No prescriptions, no other real information. I was in a lot of pain, my neighbor in the redneck RV park sold me some painkillers and showed me how to ingest them nasally. This is the one and only period in my life where I partook in nose candy.
Deb loaned me a bike to get back and forth to work on. I still had my license because all I received was a ticket for driving too fast for conditions. My boss had an old Chevy celebrity kicking around that he gave me. I alternated from driving to biking. That car had an overheating issue and was not always reliable. But it was free.
I was living in the trailer park of the dammed because my parents were selling our house in Old Lyme. They showed up in town and decided I lived in a different trailer. I got a call asking where I got the flat screen TV and why I had porn. I vaguely remember my father arguing about that not being my trailer.
Eventually the entire family was in town, the year was 2016. It was time to clean out the rest of the out buildings and the house. This memory to a point is a blur. But I have some highlights.
At one point I remember having a brake down talking with my mother. One of our local firefighters had died on his motorcycle. I remember crying and asking why he died, and I got to live. My dad came in part way through this conversation, and what he really wanted to know was why my underage age ass had a drunk driving accident and did not end up behind bars. Very supportive dad.
The house was somewhat a wreck. Teens, house parties, yeah it's true. My dad demanded I write down a list of names of all the people who had been at the house so he could press charges. I declined, he did not like that. With the exception of a few key people, I could not make that list if I wanted to. So that fight died there.
My parents claimed they found the remains of a joint. They never showed it to me, and many of us rolled our own cigarettes. My mom told me they could take it to the police and have it swabbed for DNA. I said go ahead, possession is nine tenths of the law. A weak comeback, but I really believe all they had is a self-rolled cigarette because that fight died then as well.
Eventually the house was cleaned out and everyone started to head out of town. This is the last time I ever saw my mother in the flesh to date. She is still alive, she just won't come visit. Fears of flying, time away from the animals, and so on as the reasons why.
Life carried on with different adventures and misadventures along the way. My parents wanted me to move to PA. Joy (Idaho Mom) wanted me back in Idaho. Idaho won. Josh and I crafted a plan to hit the road. He, too, wanted to go back west. A few things had to come together for this to work.
On top of nose candy, I had been partaking of the devil's lettuce. I was old enough to get a real job and knew I would probably have to pee in the cup of employment. So I quit nose candy and satanic lettuce cold turkey. I had not been much for drinking since my crash. It was a few weeks before I touched a beer again. I still hung out with some gamer friends that liked to play and toke, I just refrained from the toking portion of our hang-outs.
I gave Josh money weekly to save up for our trip, I spent the last week or two on his couch. No more devil's trailer park for me. We became boring to our usual circle of friends during this time. Josh and I literally had a mantra of "We can't, we are staying out of trouble". How did we accomplish this, you ask? I shit you not, we played the Halo Two campaign on multi-player.
Toward the end of the summer, I got the all clear from the local PD to leave town. I was a hellion. Josh and I packed up and headed out. I had a crush on Kim, he had a crush on Ashley. It made it somewhat hard to leave, but we did. I think when we were at about New Jersey, Kim called me and asked if we were really gone. We were, she asked me to come back, I declined. Pretty sure she ended up with Jerome. Pretty sure life has not been easy for them, but I broke off contact with them.
We made it to Idaho. Josh did some odd jobs. I picked up work here and there. Eventually he headed back home. He had a house and grandparents to go back to. I stayed and have not set foot back on the coast since. Life has had its up and downs since, but things evened out over time.
I never want my daughter to feel like she has to be a different person around me. Not only that, but I want her to know I love her, and she can always come to me. Shit happens and we can work through it together. I did not have that relationship with my parents.
Church made things harder. Much of the love they showed me was tied to church activity. Christ sat with the sinners. Many parents in the church shun children or treat them harshly when they choose a different path. Not very Christ like behavior. Not all do this, but too many do. Many younger Utah natives take their own life. I feel like religious guilt and parental disappointment play a role in this. I know when I was younger, I felt like I had failed and should just take myself out to solve everyone's problem.
From 2021 to 2023, the age-adjusted suicide rate in Utah was 20.93 per 100,000 persons, with an average of 685 suicides per year. There were 696 suicide deaths in 2023. In 2023, suicide was the second leading cause of death for Utahns ages 10 to 17, 18-24, and 25 to 44.
It is hard to keep going when you feel like a disappointment or are shunned by those who are supposed to be family. Leaving the LDS world often means a loss of community. It's a hard adjustment. One that I did not fully make until I was 27. Dad swore at me over the phone and hung up on me when I finally told him I was done.
I spent a lot of my early years trying to be quiet and not make waves. When I got freedom, I went hard. Talk to your kids, be open with them, and please don't make them feel judged. It will help all of you in life. I was not a perfect kid, I was a worse young adult.
As an adult, I have fought depression, anxiety and self-worth issues. I have had to face some of my worst fears head on, and I have made it through. The majority of my therapy sessions have been spent unpacking my childhood and releasing that stored emotion. Quiet kid... I am an adult now, and my life is of my own making. While I am still dealing with the past, I do not give it power or authority over me. I am my own person. I refuse to dwell in a self-made pity party for the things that sucked. My younger years were not mine to control, and I will be fucked if I let them take charge of my adult life.
Bishop :(:
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