The Death Card And New Beginnings

      

            These simple words hold deep meaning. Most of us could stop and ponder the meaning behind this and find a scenario fitting of their depth. One concept that I struggled with is that of endings. Everything ends at some point. Some endings are good, some are bad, and most are just meh. 

            I feared endings, like the uneducated fear the death card in the tarot deck. Some endings for me while they did feel like I was dying actual was the beginning of something beautiful.

     Death Tarot Card Description

Here, we see Death riding a beautiful white horse while holding up a black flag with a white pattern. It is portrayed as a living skeleton, the bones being the only part of the human body existing after death. He wears armor, which gives him his invincibility - signaling that no one can destroy Death. The white horse that he rides stands for purity, as Death purifies everyone. Beneath him, all classes of humans lie in the dirt - a king, and a pauper, meant to remind us that death does not differentiate between class, race, gender. 

            The death card is one of the most positive cards. It is a sign that one major phase in your life is ending. A new one will start, you just have to close the door on what is ending. Endings can and will often hurt. But this too shall pass, even if it passes like a kidney stone. Much of what I write about is processing things. For example, my previous posts Self and Self love looked at the end of my teenage era and a parting of ways with my parents.

            Writing is a powerful tool that requires thought or ChatGPT. But that would not actually help with personal precessing, so for me, it requires thought and sometimes whiskey. Tonight is a whiskey night. That series of posts was a catalyst for deep thought on that period of my life. Something I have not done in a long time. I feel complete with that part of my past now. It could be useful to others to read through or as a talking point in podcast episodes. It is definitely a good guide of what not to do. But those events no longer dwell heavily on my mind. Gary John Bishop would call this "Getting Complete". Just like we don't think about that glass of water from three days ago, I will not need to revisit this memory. 

            So endings, the mind can be drawn to romantic relationships, friendships, jobs and so on. The end of my marriage was a death card moment. It took years to process. Partly because I did not have the skill set to do so. Also because it was the end of a decade of my life. Why does this topic come to mind, you might ask? 

            This afternoon, Shelby and I dropped off the Monkey with her mother. We visited for a time with my ex-wife and her parents. Shelby expressed as we drove away how grateful they were that nothing about that experience was awkward. No hard feelings, no sense of unrest. We all enjoyed a nice chat and went on our ways. 

            For me to get divorced, it was the single hardest choice I have EVER made in my life. The reason for that was I knew it meant not getting to be with my daughter every day. That single fact is the main reason why it took me so long to accept that it was time to end things. Sometimes deep thoughts happen in an instant. Today, one single fact rang true for me. My ex-wife and I had fully traumatized each other to the point that we could never heal together. Trust was broken and would never return. Together, we would never turn into the people we are today. That marriage had to end for the healing to begin. That was a death card moment. 

             Another beautiful talking point today was had today. I firmly believe my daughter does not fear me. I remember being afraid of my parents. Shelby has similar memories. Fear and respect are two very different things. I made it a point to talk to my daughter this weekend and tell her she can always come to me with a problem. I might make a joke or two, but no matter what I will always love her and she will always be my daughter. That is something I lacked growing up. Instead of feeling like I could have an open conversation, I felt like I had to hide things. That was not conducive for a healthy relationship with my parental figures.

            Many relationships, situation ships and friendships have come and gone from the time of my divorce to the time I met Shelby. Some of them were deeply painful, others were easy. I attest that I am forever grateful in those instances where it felt like the sky was falling, and I was mourning an ending that I did not get what I thought I wanted. 

            I could not ask for a better partner. I could not be happier. Many of you know that I had a hard time believing I would ever remarry. But I truly look forward to our wedding.

            Each time a death card moment came before me, I felt it. Sometimes I refused to close the door to the past for years longer than I should have. But each time it has had a beautiful conclusion. We are human, we will mourn each loss. But we will grow from it every time. When I lost Ruger I mourned him. I still miss that little shit. But I can tell you that was the healthiest expression of grief I have had in my adult life. I would be a liar if I told you I wasn't crying right now. But tears are meant to be shed, or they will follow us.

            I have said it before, and I will say it again. The road to healing never actually stops once you start. Yes, we hit pause from time to time, and we get a bit lost. But the work is always waiting for us. Some of you have recently ended romantic relationships and friendships. In the words of John Kim, "What did that relationship teach you?". If you have not heard of him, I highly suggest you check out The Angry Therapist podcast. He and his amazing partner co-wrote a book called It's Not Me, It's You. I personally gifted three copies of it this Christmas. 

            So, in conclusion. Endings will still hurt in most cases. But remember the beauty of the Death Card. Process the ending, express the emotions, and embrace what is waiting for you. If I never did those things, I would not have the amazing partner I do today. 

Bishop :(: