It’s strange how a memory from years ago can suddenly knock the wind out of you — reminding you just how far you’ve come.
Today, a Facebook post from 2018 or 2019 popped up on my phone — then disappeared back into the void. I can’t recall the exact wording, but I remember the feeling. Back then, I had been avoiding almost everyone for two weeks. My life felt like it was falling apart. I believed people only stuck around if I gave them something they needed. My love life was in shambles, and I blamed myself entirely. I was the problem — or so I thought.
Reading that old post now, I can feel the weight I was carrying on my own shoulders. I can’t remember every detail of what was happening, but I know it was a dark, painful time.
How I Changed
At that point, I hadn’t yet discovered the tools I use now to steady myself through life’s storms. Back then, I leaned on drinking and friendships to survive the hard times — but both often created more problems than they solved.
I don’t regret that chapter of my life; I needed to go through it to become who I am. But truthfully, that old version of me is gone. It’s been over a year since I set foot in a bar. It’s been years since I’ve been drunk. My circle of friends is smaller than ever — and that’s a good thing.
Today, I don’t need to escape my reality to enjoy or figure out my life. Sure, I still have good days and bad days. Problems come up. But now I face them head-on, rather than trying to outrun them.
Advice for Anyone Struggling
If you’re on the struggle bus right now, hear me:
The answer is not at the bottom of a bottle or waiting for you at the next party. If you feel lower than dog shit, it’s time to start building yourself back up. A cry for help on social media might get you attention — but attention won’t solve the issue the way attention to the issue will.
I had to learn to manage my emotions, not let them run my life. I did that through reading, listening to podcasts, spending time alone, and — importantly — going to therapy. But here’s the thing: most of the work I started and pushed forward on my own.
The work is never “done.” Once you open your eyes to healing, it’s like being an alcoholic in AA — it’s often a lifelong process. I will probably never say, “I’ve learned enough; my work is finished.” Every new idea, every book, every hard-earned insight unlocks more understanding of yourself, your past, and the people around you.
And if you’re someone who thinks everything that’s ever gone wrong in your life is someone else’s fault? Please, go to therapy. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $100. Just go.
The Rewards of Self-Work
One of the best outcomes of doing inner work is gaining self-worth. With that comes clarity about what you will tolerate — and what company you keep.
For example, that cute person you see online who’s in a new relationship every two or three weeks? They start to seem less appealing when you realize they have their own stuff to work on — and just because they’re interested doesn’t mean you want to sign up for their next emotional rollercoaster. That’s the kind of drama that gives you gray hair.
Final Words
Shit can feel impossible in the moment. But with a clear head and a real desire to figure things out, even the “impossible” doesn’t stand a chance.
So, to my 2018 self:
Things will get better. It’ll be a wild ride. You’ll cry, you’ll fall down, you’ll learn. Life won’t look the way you expect a few years from now — and that’s for the best. Unfuck yourself, listen to your instincts, and trust that they’ll save you a lot of trouble along the way.
If you’re looking to start your own journey of self-work, I highly recommend the books and podcasts of John Kim and Gary John Bishop. And if you’ve been telling yourself, “I’m not a reader,” make that your first change. You’ll never reach a new place by repeating the same old bullshit.
:(: Bishop
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